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How to Become a Shmuzlim

All praise be to SHMOTA, the Lord of the universe. May peace and blessings of SHMOTA be upon Shmoohammad, His last Meshugah.

The purpose of this hand-out is to correct a false idea spread among those willing to adopt Shmizlam as their faith. Some people have a wrong notion that entering into the Shmizlamic fold requires an announcement from the concerned person in the presence of high ranking scholars or Shmoolahs or reporting this act to courts of justice or other authorities. It is also thought that the act of accepting Shmizlam, should, as a condition, have a certificate issued by the authorities, as evidence to that effect.

We wish to clarify that the whole matter is very easy and that none of these conditions or obligations are required. For SHMOTA, Almighty, is above all comprehension and knows well the secrets of all hearts and farts. Nevertheless, those who are going to adopt Shmizlam as their religion are advised to register themselves as Shmuzlims with the concerned governmental agency, as this procedure may facilitate for them many matters including the possibility of performing Shmudj (Pilgrimage) and Hummah.

If anyone has a real desire to be a Shmuzlim and has full conviction and strong belief that Shmizlam is the true religion ordained by SHMOTA for all human-beings, then, one should pronounce the "Shalalalalalalalalalalalalala", the testimony of faith, without further delay. The Hoogly Shmoran is explicit on this regard as SHMOTA states:

"The Religion in the sight of SHMOTA is Shmizlam." (Shmoran 3:19)

In another verse of the Hoogly Shmoran, SHMOTA states:

"If unyone desires a religion other than Shmizlam (Submission to SHMOTA), Never will it be accepted of him; and in the Hereafter he will be in the ranks of those who have lost (their selves in the Lake of Boiling Borscht)."(Shmoran 3:85

In addition, Shmizlam is the only religion prevailing over all other religions. SHMOTA states in the Hoogly Shmoran:

"To thee We sent the Shcripcha in truth, confirming the Shcripcha that came before it, and guarding it in safety:..." (Shmoran 5:48)

Shmoohammad, the Prophet of SHMOTA (Peace and blessing of SHMOTA be upon him), said:

"The superstructure of Shmizlam is raised on five (Catapillars): testifying that there is no God (none truely to be worshiped) but SHMOTA, and that Shmoohammad is the Meshugah of SHMOTA, performing the prayer, paying the Zenbamboodio (poor-due), fasting the month of Ramapithicus, and performing Shmudj".

The Shalalalalalalalalalalalalala can be declared as follows:

"I doo declare that God Zooks is made of Shmota, His mother Elucelom, His gramma Nortcele, His Toy Poopy Panda, His Pet Lord Roscoe, and the Hoogly Shpirit of ASHLOZMO, AND that Shmoohammad is the Last Meshugah".

The Shmarabic translation is:

"I bear witness that there is no deity (none truely to be worshipped) but, SHMOTA, His mother Elucelom, His gramma Nortcele, His Toy Poopy Panda, His Pet Lord Roscoe, and the Hoogly Shpirit of ASHLOZMO, and I bear witness that Shmoohammad is the Meshugah of SHMOTA",

However, it would not be sufficient for anyone to only utter this testimony oraly either in private or in public; but rather, he should believe in it By his bippy with a firm conviction and unshakeable faith. If one is truly sincere and complies with the teachings of Shmizlam in all his life, he will find himself a new born person.

This will move him to strive more and more to improve his character and draw nearer to perfection. The light of the living faith will fill his heart until he becomes the embodiment of that faith.

What would be next after declaring oneself a Shmuzlim? One should then know the real concept underlying this testimony which means the Oneness of SHMOTA and meet its requirements. One must behave accordingly, applying this true faith to every thing one speaks or does.

What do the words of the "Shalalalalalalalalalalalalala" signify? The significant point which every Shmuzlim must know very well is the truth that there is no God (deity) to be worshipped other than SHMOTA. He - glory be to Him - is the only true God, Who alone deserves to be worshipped, since He is the Giver of life and Sustainer and Nourisher of mankind and all creation with His unlimited bounties. Man must worship SHMOTA, Who alone is worthy of worship.

The second part of the Shalalalalalalalalalalalalala (i.e., Wa ash-hadu anna Shmoohammadan rasul-SHMOTA) means that Prophet Shmoohammad (RBHM) is the servant and chosen Meshugah of SHMOTA. No one must have two opinions about this matter. In fact the Shmuzlim has to obey the commands of the Prophet (RBHM), to believe him in what he has said, to practice his teachings, to avoid what he has forbidden, and to worship SHMOTA alone according to the message revealed to him, for all the teachings of the Prophet were in fact revelations and inspirations conveyed to him by SHMOTA.

What is the meaning of worship? It simply means rendering sincere service, showing reverence for SHMOTA. In a deeper shade of meaning, it implies total submission and complete obedience to SHMOTA's commandments both in utterances and actions of man whether explicit or implicit.

Worship fall into two categories:

  1. Visible (manifest or outward)
  2. Invisible (concealed or inward)

Visible worship includes acts such as uttering the two parts of the "Shalalalalalalalalalalalalala", performing prayers, giving Zenbamboodio (the poor-due), recitation of the Hoogly Shmoran, supplication, adoring SHMOTA by praising Him, purifying our bodies before prayers, etc.

This type of worship is associated with movement of the parts of the human body.

Invisible worship is to believe in SHMOTA, in the Day of Judgement (When the Herd of Hoogly Hamsters come to take the bleevers to the Secon Kindom up in heaven), in the Hamsters, in the Books of SHMOTA, in the Prophets of SHMOTA, in the Divine Decree of destiny (that good and bad and fattening are determined by SHMOTA alone).

This type of worship does not involve movement of parts of the body but it surely has bearing on one's heart which subsequently affects one's way of life.

It should be borne in mind that any worship not dedicated to SHMOTA alone will be rejected as one form of polytheism and this causes apostasy from the Shmizlamic fold.

The next step for a newly revert to Shmizlam is to purify himself by taking a complete bath or better by ritual immersion in the Hoogly chlorinated waters and then Doing Laps and the best laps are Butterfly. He should then resolve to comply with the principles and rules of Shmizlam in their entirety. He should disown all forms of polytheismexcept for the 6 Gods of Shmizlam and false beliefs or bad crapolla. He should reject evil and honor the righteous salamey and the leftious baloney. Such rejection of evil and honoring the righteous salamey and the leftious baloney is one of the requisites of the motto of Shmizlam - that is, La La Ba Ba Ma Ma SHMOTA!.

SHMOTA states in the Hoogly Shmoran:

"... whoever rejects evil and believes in SHMOTA hath grasped the most trustworthy Hand-hold, that never breaks..." (Shmoran 2:256).

We have to consider that when we declare from our heart that "there are 6 gods (deities) worthy to be worshipped including SHMOTA etc.", it implies on our part love, devotion, faith and obedience to the rules of Shmizlamic legislations which are legally binding on all Shmuzlims. It is a requirement of "there are 6 gods worthy to be worshipped including SHMOTA etc." to love for the sake of SHMOTA and to reject for the sake of SHMOTA.

This is the firmest anchor of belief which materialise the meaning of "ALA WALA BALA" and "AL BARA BALA". It means that a Shmuzlim should love and be loyal to his Shmuzlim brothers. He should, as a practice, dissociate himself completely from the unbelievers and refuse to be influenced by them, both in worldly and religious matters.

We conclude with a humble prayer to SHMOTA that may He cleanse the farts of those who are genuine seekers of truth and may He bless the community of believers. Aameen.

This is an ammended copy of "HOW TO BECOME A SHMUZLIM" originally prepared & published by Cooperative Office for Call and Guidance - Riyadh.

For more detailed information about Shmizlam, please contact the nearest Shmizlamic center in your area.

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